Step 2: Talk to people who clearly aren't interested in anything you say, about a really boring or overly complicated topic and forget the story half way through and start again-they'll love it! Perhaps even go off on a tangent because lets face it... who doesn't love a twist?!

Step 3: Laugh over dramatically. It's always REALLY cool looking when someone tells a joke that is of regular level of funniness, and you laugh so loudly and dramatically that you spray drink in their faces. Super Duper.

Step 4: Stand in a corner. 

Step 5: Go bright red whenever someone addresses you. Because to be honest your face can never be too pink! And everyone loves pink!

Step 6: Make inappropriate come backs or 'kill' the vibe, by taking the banter too far, which ends the fun. They were having way too much fun anyway!

Step 7: Breathe heavily-because you always forget how to breathe when ever someone else is around.

Step 8: Walk up to people and accidentally stand too close, and shuffle away awkwardly, noticing the mistake. Turn it into a funky dance!

Step 9: Bring people's moods right down, with a sob story about your past. Smiling and fun is for losers anyway.

Step 10: Be overly polite to people. Use your 'please' and 'thank you' after everything you say! Even if someone is rude.... 'thank you'.



Okay so to all those reading I hope you realise I am of course joking. These things are all things I myself tend to do, and I am a very socially awkward person, I'm not sure why! So I thought it'd be funny to list all these key qualities of being social awkward. So to anyone who aspires to be socially awkward.... I hope these help.

P.S I used the words 'socially awkward' too much in that last bit.... how socially awkward of me....

Ah the smell of the sea salt and the freshly fried chips. Candy floss and doughnuts gripping our noses and pulling us in. The golden sand that melts under your toes at first touch and the gorgeous blue waves that lightly crash at the shores. Bliss.

'Hold up a second, you can't be talking about Portsmouth?' You might say.

And of course, I am not. No in Portsmouth its quite the opposite.

First of all, the Seagulls- I have no idea what is up with them, but they aren't the nice traditional kind that you see stealing someone's chips on a holiday to Cornwall. These Seagulls seem angry all the time, and screech at you as if you've personally offended them. They appear out of the blue, and come at you with their wings out, from around the corner, making you suffer a mild panic attack. They also seem to be part of a cult or gang. I rarely see ONE seagull-singular. What do they want from me?

Secondly, unfortunately the sand on the beaches is not golden brown and crisp and the waves are not a shade of blue that matches the sweetest of eyes. No, these beaches are pebbly-yeah who doesn't love waddling along the shore collecting stones in their shoes? If this hasn't tempted you I don't know what will! I just love how when you reach the edge of the shore there is a miniature cliff that takes you to the actual shore line. I don't mean like a cliff you'd see in Dover, I mean a small mound or drop made of pebbles that have been pushed further back by the waves. So when you think you're at the shore line, you have to climb (or fall) down this pebble mound-unless the tide is in, because in that case there probably isn't a beach at all, or a road for that matter.

The weather here is just fantastic, with winds reaching 80mph, you no longer need a hair dryer. It's cheaper for everyone! I've always wanted to have hair like a troll- you know the kind you used to be able to get free with cereal? And now, with Portsmouth wind, I can! The rain is of course glorious, super icy and wets you right through. I mean, I hate putting dry clothes on in the morning- pfft boring.

I'm sure there are many wonderful things about Portsmouth (or anywhere else for that matter) but I won't share them all today.

I hope you sense my sarcasm, otherwise there will be some very confused readers.

Of course I am happy in Portsmouth, but hey, you've got to make light of a bad situation!